You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
