ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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