i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
