please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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