Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
