I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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