already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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