genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
