We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
