My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
