I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
