I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
