Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
