When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
