new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
