Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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