I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
