I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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