At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
