o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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