i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
