She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
