Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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