We're like a lot better than the average bears
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
