Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
