Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
