Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
