i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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