Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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