I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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