Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
