After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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