If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
