I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
