dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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