If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
