Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
