And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
