Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
what is it with giant penises always finding me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
