there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
this is an emotional support booty call
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
