please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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