I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
