I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
