1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
