Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
