I'm jealous of your bromance
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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