the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
