wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
