I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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