we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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